When you receive this week’s missive, I will be attending a business meeting in Las Vegas. I flew out of Lafayette on Wednesday morning and will return Saturday afternoon. In a world that seems to be overflowing with hate, fear and discord, I must confess that I too am a hater. I hate flying! Some of the highest anxiety levels I have soared to have occurred in airports and on commercial air flights. I know I’m not alone here. In my mind, flying commercially is the closest thing a human can engage in that is akin to cattle being herded from their peaceful pastoral life into becoming a flat patty on a McDonald’s Big Mac. Exacerbating the experience is the total absence of humor that seems to permeate virtually everyone who dons the uniforms of airport personnel…but there are rare exceptions.
Joanne is a flight attendant for United Airlines. She makes sure passengers pay attention to her safety speech by making them laugh.
“Ladies and gentlemen, if you could please give your attention to the other flight attendants, who include my husband Dave and his ex-wife Susan, they’d like to point out the safety features of this aircraft.
For those of you who haven’t been in an automobile lately and used your seatbelt, slide the flat end into the buckle. To release, lift up on the flip-latch and it will separate. Tying the belts together is not acceptable.
I know the Paul Simon lyrics say there are fifty ways to leave your lover, but we only have six ways on this aircraft–two forward entry doors, two over the wing exits and two aft doors. All are clearly marked with red EXIT signs and the disco lighting along the aisle will lead you to them.
In the seat back pocket in front of you–or to the side if you’re sitting in one of our plush lounge areas–you should find an emergency briefing card that further supplements this information on our safety features. Of course, there’s no telling what else you’ll find in those pockets–gum wrappers, candy wrappers, empty cups or cans–and if you dig deep enough, possibly even a dirty diaper.
Since we will be flying over swimming pools, puddles, and hot tubs on our way to Las Vegas today, you’ll note your seat bottom cushion may be used as a flotation device in the event of a water evacuation.
Flight attendants are now walking through the cabin checking to make sure your seat belts are fastened, tray tables are up and locked, that your seats are in their forward and most uncomfortable position, and that the carry-on luggage you now wished you had checked are crammed into the overheard compartment three rows away from you or stuffed all the way under the seat in front of you that you now have absolutely no leg room.
We certainly don’t anticipate any change in cabin pressure during our flight, but should one occur, four margarine cups will magically appear overhead. When they do, stop screaming, place the cup over your mouth and breathe normally until notified by crew members or until Susan comes by offering mouth-to-mouth. In that case, be aware that preferential treatment will be given by Susan to those gentlemen wearing gold Rolex watches.
There is no smoking at all on board this aircraft. We prohibit smoking in the lavatories and if we find you doing so, Dave will ask you to step out on the wing, where you can puff away on our patio furniture while watching our complimentary movie, Gone With the Wind.
Now that we have all of the rules and regulations out of the way, sit back, relax, and enjoy your flight. If there’s anything else you need during this flight, FORGET ABOUT IT! Just kidding. Don’t hesitate to call on Dave. Susan and I will be in the back galley, finishing our nails.”
Then after a reasonably smooth landing, Joanne is back performing again:
“On behalf of United Airlines and our entire flight crew, we’d like to welcome you to Las Vegas. Do us one last favor, keep your tush to the cush, your seat belt fastened and your luggage right where it is until Captain America and Boy Wonder pull this aircraft up to the gate and turn off the fasten seat belt signs. That will be your indication that it’s safe to jump up, grab all your luggage and go absolutely nowhere!
Thanks for choosing United today. Go out and have a great day and do come back and see us again, because no one loves your money more than us.
Oh, one more thing. We have a special gentleman on board today celebrating his 98th birthday and his first flight.”
Everyone on the plane begins to applaud.
“Do me a big favor and wish our captain a Happy Birthday on your way out and let him know he doesn’t look a day over 50.”
Everything in our background has prepared us to know and resist a prison when the gates begin to close around us . . . But what if there are no cries of anguish to be heard? Who is prepared to take arms against a sea of amusements? To whom do we complain, and when, and in what tone of voice, when serious discourse dissolves into giggles? What is the antidote to a culture’s being drained by laughter?” – Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death: Public Discourse in the Age of Show Business
Have an AWE-full Weekend!
William J. “Bill” Bacqué