We’re all familiar with the adage that the more things change, the more they remain the same. This week, I was looking back of some my posts from past years and I came across one from a decade ago. To me, it speaks quite pertinently to the our society’s current growing embracement of demonizing in the most vile manner possible those we with whom we disagree and blame for the host of maladies we believe permeates our country, victimizes, or denigrates us. Regardless of where we stand or what’s the issue du jour, it’s always the other person who is at fault.
The “You’re to Blame” society we’re creating is no less than a super-spreader of argumentation and alienation. Inevitably, it will transform those who embrace it into destroyers of any growth-oriented communication.
Assigning blame involves listening to criticize and responding to defend, speaking to lower the other person rather than speaking to build them up. As long as blame is the focus of our discourse, relational progress is impossible because blame and progress are enemies. In our growing polarized social/news media induced us-versus-them-society, we must all take care that this popular obsession with victimization and fault assessment doesn’t transform our world into one devoid of any capacity to forge interpersonal relationships with anyone who is not a clone of ourselves. The heart of loving communication is listening to understand not to condemn.
Let me illustrate this point by reintroducing that story that I first uncovered and shared a decade ago:
Years ago there was a group of brilliant young men at the University of Wisconsin, who seemed to have amazing creative literary talent. They were would-be poets, novelists, and essayists. They were extraordinary in their ability to put the English language to its best use. These promising young men met regularly to read and critique each other’s work. And critique it they did!
These men were merciless with one another. They dissected the most minute literary expression into a hundred pieces. They were heartless, tough, even mean in their criticism. The sessions became such arenas of literary criticism that the members of this exclusive club called themselves the “Stranglers.”
Not to be outdone, the women of literary talent in the university were determined to start a club of their own, one comparable to the Stranglers. They called themselves the “Wranglers.” They, too, read their works to one another. But there was one great difference. The criticism was much softer, more positive, more encouraging. Sometimes, there was almost no criticism at all. Every effort, even the most feeble one, was encouraged.
Twenty years later an alumnus of the university was doing an exhaustive study of his classmates’ careers when he noticed a vast difference in the literary accomplishments of the Stranglers as opposed to the Wranglers. Of all the bright young men in the Stranglers, not one had made a significant literary accomplishment of any kind. From the Wranglers had come six or more successful writers, some of national renown such as Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings, who wrote The Yearling.
Talent between the two? Probably the same. Level of education? Not much difference. But the Stranglers strangled, while the Wranglers were determined to give each other a lift. The Stranglers promoted an atmosphere of contention and self-doubt. The Wranglers highlighted the best, not the worst.
According to the Dali Lama, “The very purpose of religion is to control yourself, not to criticize others. Rather, we must criticize ourselves.”
I pray that the pendulum of our national norms will ultimately swing us back to a society that respects the value of free thought and speech for all sides; one where our common societal mission focuses on the eradication of our obsession with ourselves and the banishment of the enshrinement of our perceived victimization as some kind of symbol of heroism. I pray that the hatred, pride and jealousy that has shrouded our hearts will be replaced with love, encouragement and sharing. I pray for a national revival of wrangling positivity and understanding and for a banishment of our obsessive fault-finding strangling.
And let us consider how to rouse one another to love and good works. We should not stay away from our assembly, as is the custom of some, but encourage one another, and this all the more as you see the day drawing near. –Hebrews, 10:24-25
Have an AWE-full Weekend!
William “Bill” Bacque